Thursday, February 28, 2008

Phantom . . . bigot?

MAN! this "Breaking News" thing on is getting a little out of hand.

OK, first let's address the obvious. Dave Andelman looks hideous without makeup. It was always pretty apparent that the Andelmans sport more makeup than a Clinique counter girl at Nieman Marcus. What wasn't known was Dave Andelmans true identity.

It's amazing how makeup can hide those extra chins.

Michael, on the other hand, just looks like a 10-year-old Jewish kid, all throwing gang signs trying to hang on the streets of Bed-Stuy. (What is that gang sign? I don't think it even is one).

The Obvious #2: This picture is of unsatisfactory quality. Who's their webmaster over there? I know TV38 is a step above local access, but come on. The flash is all washing them out, glaring off the reflective trim on those ridiculous track suits. And Red eye? Who's took this picture, their mom? did Mrs. Andelman buy them those jogging outfits for Chanukah?

So, until now I haven't mentioned probably the most obvious aspect of this picture. The blatant and unequivocal racism. They're pretending to be black, right? Is that the idea? How could they post this on their homepage? Talk about forming opinions based on stereotypes. AND it's Black History Month to boot. I'm calling for a boycott of all things Phantom.

I went down to Kinkos and ran up a couple hundred of these bad boys. I'm gonna hit up Blue Hill Ave. with my staple gun later today. I'll probably put Dan's address somewhere on there too.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

This Just In...

So - has anyone else noticed the new "Breaking News" tile ad on

Yeah - it's hard to miss. The only thing easy to miss on the Phantom's website is any actual content. Talk about a user-unfriendly interface. The website is, however, Uliss-friendly.

So - the Breaking News?
"Firefly's has $1 Weekday BBQ Beach Party Tickets"
What does that even mean? Talk about a mutual jerk-off.
The Andelmans read the Herald too much - kissing your own ass is NOT a headline.

Maybe they should break some effin' news about Steve Uliss's hair! What's going on up there? Hairplugs? Hair Club for Men? Is the guy going through a midlife crisis, or what? Maybe he's just come into some money, you know, after the expansion of his BBQ Empire into more white-trash suburbs.
I bet he drives a Miata. What a tool.

I can play journalist too. I uncovered the below images. The image on the right, Steve Uliss from a 2007 competitive BBQ appearance. The image on the left, Uliss's current headshot, a la Sears Portrait Studio.

(maybe a lil' lipo too, no?)

Friday, February 15, 2008

"Top of the Food Chain"

The above chart clearly depicts what I've long suspected of the Andelman gene pool.

Then, why is it that the Naenderthal Dan Andelman is the host of the show? Are the more developed and civilized Andelman's just using Dandelman as their work horse? Dan does all the work, while Cro-Magnon Dave and Homosapien Mike reap the benefits?

It's widely believed by nonevangelicals that the Neanderthals and the Cromagnons co-existed for thousands of years. But, eventually the Cromagnon caused the demise of the Neanderthal. Does this mean there's hope for the show? will Dan eventually eat himself to death? will Dave eat Dan? will Mike develop opposable thumbs, and stop eating at Casual Family Dining establishments?

UPDATE: Further research reveals "Andel" is old Hebrew for "Cave."

So - while it's obvious all the good Andelman genes went the way of Michael. Dave got some leftovers, and Dan is actually an overdeveloped goiter removed from Eddie's ass.

Read this - these are bios of the Andelmans (obviously self-bios), found on the website of WTKK Talk Radio. Yes, that's right - there's a Phantom radio program. I've never actually listened, though. Has anyone else? does anyone even listen?
I bet it features a lot of Howie Carr.

So, the bios:

Dave is credited with starting Phantom Gourmet, Inc. in 1993. He was instrumental in moving the show from cable to broadcast TV in 2003. Dave is the spiritual leader of the Phantom Gourmet Food Festival and Phantom Gourmet BBQ Beach Party. He completed 4 year JD/MBA program at Northeastern University. Single, lives alone, eats out every single meal. To keep his weight down, ran the Boston Marathon and now he's into boxing, having sparred with a pro and a golden gloves champ. Tallest and tannest of the brothers with the greasiest hair. "
(NOTE: Dave attended college, but Northeastern... c'mon. Is that even really college? Sal Napole of Sal's Pizza also "graduated" from there. Dave also lives alone. No mate. No legitimate offspring. He's gotta be pushing 50. This is why the Neanderthals went extinct).

Mike graduated from Georgetown University with an MBA. He has hosted his own radio talk show and worked as a TV sports reporter. Mike is the biggest eater of the brothers, although he knows the least about food. Married with a new son named Max. "
(NOTE: Mike graduated from a prestigious University. He's appeared on radio and television, OTHER than Phantom Gourmet. He has a wife, and has commenced procreation).

Known for great wit, incredible restaurant knowledge, and bad hair Dan is the most gourmet of the brothers If you think you’ve seen his face before you’re right Dan is the host of the Phantom Gourmet on TV38 and the Executive Producer. Dan is married with a new son named Zach."
(NOTE: Dan makes no reference whatsoever to any education. Perhaps he didn't even graduate high school. His wife is obviously made up. And it's actually illegal for him to make babies. "new son named Zach?" who calls their kid new? he's not an effin' car! Zach is SO made up! Dan probably watches too much Saved By the Bell and thinks Zach is real cool, and fancies himself that cool. He is NOT that cool. If Dan was on Saved by the Bell he would be the black nerd).

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


Tomorrow is Valentines Day.

What do you think the Andelman's got Ernie Boch?
do you think they give kisses? I bet they do!

Dan has a "show wife," too. (you know, just for show) I heard he even adopted a "show son."
I wonder if she gets in on the action. I bet Michael Andelman takes the male role when they all get it on. Ernie is always wearing those crazy costumes in his ads - so I bet he gets real into the S&M stuff. Leather, whips and all that.

And when they're done with their orgy, I bet they go to Firefly's. Just to make Ulliss jealous.
I heard Ulliss got those hairplugs just to impress Dave.

Crazy stuff.

Arbitrary Scale

Jesu Christo! Phantom gave Gaslight a 90.
Are you kidding me? the food's pretty good, but Gourmet Greatness? Hardly.
Gaslight opened up last summer, after much hype, but Phantom just got around to scoring it last month. I must have missed that show. Was it featured on the "Pre-game Marathon" or maybe one of the numerous "Comfort Food" shows??? anyone?

First off - Gaslight is owned by the Aquitaine Group. They're namesake, and flagship restaurant, only got an 81 from Phantom! Seth Woods opened up Gaslight as Aquitaine's lil' sister. A cheaper everyman's version of Aquitaine. Unfortunately, the everyman has turned into the every-gay-man-in-the-south-end. Hardly a "corner restaurant." Gaslight is hardly a Brasserie. As Aquitaine is hardly a Bistrot. But they do decent impressions of France.

Let's see... perhaps the best "bistrot" dining in greater Boston: Craigie Street Bistrot. What did phantom give it? Eighty-effin'-four!
are you kidding me? Mezze-mezze?
Yeah - it's no Kitty O'Shea's (coming in just above Craigie Street at 85). I mean, come on. A generic faux-Irish pub in Faneuil Hall has a James Beard award-winning chef beat any day.

But they all hope to some day achieve the level of the esteemed Kowloon.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The Downfall of Culinary Television.

When did it start? the downfall of Phantom?
I remember watching it a few years ago, when David Robichaud was still getting all giddy for gourmet greatness. I remember not hating the show.

Robie, unlike the Andelmans, was likeable. He was TV38's (then UPN) answer to Emeril. Eyebrows and everything. Back then, the only time viewers ever had to see Fat-head Andelman's face was for the 30-second "feedback forum" segments, all pretending he knew how to email with his 1996 IBM Thinkpad.

Then, we only had to deal with hearing Dave's annoying radio voice, we never had to bear witness to his too-tan catchers mitt face and honey-dipped scalp. It actually didn't even phase me too much when he butchered such names as Aujourd'hui ("AD-JORE-DEWEY") and Fugakyu ("FUH-GOK-OO"). But having to look at his fake face and listen to his fake voice at the same time is too much.