Thursday, June 19, 2008

Andelman Sightings!!!

The Andelman's are a real presence at this year's Phuck Phest. By presence I mean they're really workin' it! No, literally working it.

They're really doing this thing on the cheap. And I thought they were cutting corners on their TV production budget. Yesterday, Michael was taking tickets, while Dave (who fancies himself an athlete) donned a purple "SECURITY" t-shirt. Dan was on janitor duty, hosing mesquite vomit from the sand.

While the brothers were all over the place, it was nearly impossible to nail one down and ask him what the eff they were thinking. But, one lucky undercover reader caught this grainy image.

Familiar, no?

Phuck Phest received with protests

Yesterday's events kicked off to a nearly week-long all-you-can-pay buffet.

As many as 2500 demonstrators held a boisterous rally in Boston's Government Center on Wednesday as the Andelmans dined in disguise . . . disguised as successful event planners. The number of protesters outnumbered event-goers by 250 to 1. The festival appeared more like the Andelmans invited a couple friends over for a cookout, then locked them inside.

Others likened the scene to "a vast and baron desert opening up to the depths of hell, where Satan himself appears with hair plugs and dry rubs. While a band of shrieking sirens led by a soulless capitalist incessantly blared blues riffs..."

Protesters blew whistles, banged drums and screamed their opposition to the so-called ''BBQ Beach Fest," nearly drowning out the sounds of Ernie & the Automatics.

Demonstrators chanted ''Dandelman - YOU ARE FAT! '' about 3 feet from where the two brothers were eating ribs. The brothers ran to tell their dad.

Security was tight and demonstrators from Dorchester's Caribbean neighborhoods pressed up against a long police barricade set up to block them from getting near the "Rasta Racist" Joe Alexander.

Some tried to breach the police cordon and officers used batons to keep protesters at bay. A small grease fire broke out at the Beef Baron's grill station. The flames, upwards of 16 inches, were eventually put out by the Boston Fire Department. The BFD reported 10 firefighters were injured in the process. They are expected to take early retirement with 120% pension.

Monday, June 16, 2008

2,000 Police Officers will Guard The Andelmans as Their Festival of Gluttony and Greed Transforms Government Center

Two thousand Boston Police officers will guard Dan and Dave Andelman, as TV38 receives more death threats against the brothers, in advance of their annual mass-brainwashing of Boston's working class.

The Andelman Reich are scheduled to arrive at Gov. Center Wednesday for a 120-hour visit, causing disruption to thousands of tourists and equally clueless commuters, as dozens of MBTA trains will be delayed and streets closed.

Non-union workers will arrive in Boston tomorrow to begin banging nails, as they construct the stage on which the pompous pageant will take place.

Thousands of members from the group Phantom Has Lost All Believability (PHLAB) will attempt to block the Andelman motorcade. The egomaniac brothers are said to be arriving in a Subaru Tribeca Limousine, rented from Boch Automotive.

BPD Deputy Asst Commissioner Shamus O'McGillicuddy summed up this week's flamboyant display of self importance, saying: "Those a**holes come into town, f*ck sh*t up then they go back to playing TV. But, they throw me a few hundred Dunk's Gift cards to keep me happy."

One insider said: "The cost to taxpayers will be hefty." But I'm guessing the Herald won't do any "sleeping on the job" style exposés.

Protests Set for Government Center as Phantom BBQ Beach Party Nears

Phantom Flawed is planning a protest in downtown Boston on Wednesday. The rally is against the Andelman Empire and their policies, and against mediocre metro area restaurants and their continuing support for Phantom Gourmet. Watch this Blog for more details.

Phantom Flawed has been informed by the Boston Police that a proposed march, and anti-Andelman rally to protest the BBQ will not be allowed. The Coalition of Anti-Phantom Organizations will not back down. We need more people than ever! We are calling on all of those that believe in adequate portion size, well balanced meals, traditional cooking techniques and truth in advertising to descend on Government Center at 10AM this Wednesday!!!

Monday, June 9, 2008

Belated News: GUILTY PLEASURES takes it all.

So, Guilty Pleasures has won several times over. The 5/17 episode simply titled "CRAVINGS!" secured the title for most rerun overdone theme episode. Since then, between the constant hour-long plugs for the ridiculous Beach Blanket Bingo BBQ, the only thing they've been airing is payola laden "best of Boston" restaurant shows.

I'd love to take a look at their rate card, just to see what kind of money a place needs to shell out just for a "Phantom Approved." You think an appearance on the show is the added bonus for buying a Phantastic Dining spot?

CEO and Founder of Phantom Gourmet Inc., Corp. LTD. in the News

I always assumed that Dave Andelman was an avid reader of Stuff @ Night. In fact, he's probably the target demographic. I bet they run all the incessant "theme" issues by Andelman before going to print. So, it's only fitting they finally allow his Marlboro Man mug to grace their cover.

What's great is that the super-glossy cover stock makes Andelman's skin and hair seem so life like!

Yes, that's a Hooters girl he's got his arm around. And yes, she's holding a bottle of Yoo-hoo.