Friday, February 15, 2008

"Top of the Food Chain"

The above chart clearly depicts what I've long suspected of the Andelman gene pool.

Then, why is it that the Naenderthal Dan Andelman is the host of the show? Are the more developed and civilized Andelman's just using Dandelman as their work horse? Dan does all the work, while Cro-Magnon Dave and Homosapien Mike reap the benefits?

It's widely believed by nonevangelicals that the Neanderthals and the Cromagnons co-existed for thousands of years. But, eventually the Cromagnon caused the demise of the Neanderthal. Does this mean there's hope for the show? will Dan eventually eat himself to death? will Dave eat Dan? will Mike develop opposable thumbs, and stop eating at Casual Family Dining establishments?

UPDATE: Further research reveals "Andel" is old Hebrew for "Cave."

So - while it's obvious all the good Andelman genes went the way of Michael. Dave got some leftovers, and Dan is actually an overdeveloped goiter removed from Eddie's ass.

Read this - these are bios of the Andelmans (obviously self-bios), found on the website of WTKK Talk Radio. Yes, that's right - there's a Phantom radio program. I've never actually listened, though. Has anyone else? does anyone even listen?
I bet it features a lot of Howie Carr.

So, the bios:

Dave is credited with starting Phantom Gourmet, Inc. in 1993. He was instrumental in moving the show from cable to broadcast TV in 2003. Dave is the spiritual leader of the Phantom Gourmet Food Festival and Phantom Gourmet BBQ Beach Party. He completed 4 year JD/MBA program at Northeastern University. Single, lives alone, eats out every single meal. To keep his weight down, ran the Boston Marathon and now he's into boxing, having sparred with a pro and a golden gloves champ. Tallest and tannest of the brothers with the greasiest hair. "
(NOTE: Dave attended college, but Northeastern... c'mon. Is that even really college? Sal Napole of Sal's Pizza also "graduated" from there. Dave also lives alone. No mate. No legitimate offspring. He's gotta be pushing 50. This is why the Neanderthals went extinct).

Mike graduated from Georgetown University with an MBA. He has hosted his own radio talk show and worked as a TV sports reporter. Mike is the biggest eater of the brothers, although he knows the least about food. Married with a new son named Max. "
(NOTE: Mike graduated from a prestigious University. He's appeared on radio and television, OTHER than Phantom Gourmet. He has a wife, and has commenced procreation).

Known for great wit, incredible restaurant knowledge, and bad hair Dan is the most gourmet of the brothers If you think you’ve seen his face before you’re right Dan is the host of the Phantom Gourmet on TV38 and the Executive Producer. Dan is married with a new son named Zach."
(NOTE: Dan makes no reference whatsoever to any education. Perhaps he didn't even graduate high school. His wife is obviously made up. And it's actually illegal for him to make babies. "new son named Zach?" who calls their kid new? he's not an effin' car! Zach is SO made up! Dan probably watches too much Saved By the Bell and thinks Zach is real cool, and fancies himself that cool. He is NOT that cool. If Dan was on Saved by the Bell he would be the black nerd).


Anonymous dandelman said...

FACT: Anthropologists have long believed that homo sapiens were the dominant species because of their affinity towards deep fried casual family apps (Awesomeus Blossomus) which gave them stored energy for the long winter months.

February 17, 2008 at 12:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't hate on Northeastern! Where did you go to college if you're so hot?

April 26, 2008 at 2:35 AM  

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