Monday, November 10, 2008

Cholera Outbreak at Phantom Beer Phest

Doctors are treating dozens of cholera cases at a makeshift refugee camp in East Boston, also known as "Eastie."

The group Doctors Without Borders said it treated 13 new cases of cholera Sunday and has seen 45 cases since Saturday's Phantom Beer and Food Phest. The event was held at Suffolk Downs race track - which has since become home to dozens of quarantined refugees after being infected at the festival.

A shortage of water and latrines made the outbreak "really dangerous," said doctors responding to the event.

About 250,000 Metro Boston civilians showed up for Saturday's event. The UN reports there being only enough toilets for 3 people.

At one point, 50,000 refugees were crowded into an area, waiting for food and drink. They stood in line holding purple solo cups, waiting for rations that never came. Several elderly people reportedly passed out from dehydration. At one point a small group of Eastie locals tried to form a protest, but were quickly suppressed. Event staff used noise torture to subdue the crowd, forcing them to listen to extremely loud recordings of Dan Andelman's laugh.

Thousands waiting to enter the festival, without shelter, huddled under a deflated "bouncy castle" to stay out of the rain.

On Sunday, UN officials said investigators accused the Andelman brothers and Phantom Gourmet, Inc. of crimes against humanity.

Tired and hungry refugees stop Dave Andelman from fleeing Saturday's event, after being denied food and drink.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Is Phantom Drunk?

"Biggest and best beer event in Boston history!"

Really? Phantom has the balls to call their first venture into alcohol expos "the best" this city has ever seen? Really? Ultimate Beer Fest? Belgian Beer Fest? I mean, I know those are just "fests" not Phests... but can the Phantom really claim victory before even entering the ring.

Speaking of rings - the Beer Phest will have several of them. Of course, there's the horse track - where you're bound to see Eddie perched at his usual spot up in the grandstand, all strung out on hot dogs, all betting the Andelman fortune on a tip he got from Howie Carr.

Then there's the Sumo wrestling ring, the bull riding, and the Rock'em Sock'em robot boxing (which legitimizes Dave's claims to be an "amateur boxer"). My favorite event, though, is the Twister. Yes, that Twister. From Milton Bradley. This Beer Phest has got all the appeal of a 13-year-old girl's birthday party.

They should totally make it a sleep over!!! I heard there's gonna be a pony, but don't tell Kelly Malone... she's not cool.

So - to the real focus of this evevnt, the beer. We all know what to expect for food. Because what goes better with a pint of ale than a whoopie pie or a cannoli?

I have to admit I was curious to see what kind of beer they were gonna be slingin' at this thing. The constant commercials show Dan sippin' on Blueberry Beer. Which I guess is better than the Bud Lite Lime they be servin' at their Beach BBQ. Oh wait, they're also serving Bud Lite Lime at the Beer Phest. In fact, the only non-Anheiser-Busch beers they're serving are brewed by InBev (Bud's parent company).

Ladies and Gentelman, welcome to the Phantom InBev Phest. Why would the Andelmans seek out any of the many local craft breweries to serve beer, when they could just give exclusive rights to the largest beverage conglomerate on Earth?!!

So, here's the full list of exotic "domestic" and "foreign" bews:
Stella Artois
Stella Artois -
Brewery: InBev
Very upscale and high end
Tasting Note: Goes great with an Armani shirt or Verscace dress.

Hoegaarden -
Brewery: InBev
Style: Vitamin C
Tasting Note: Tastes like what an alcoholic drinks with his toast in the morning.

Leffe Blonde
Leffe -
Style: Belgian Abbey Ale... not brewed at an Abbey, but named after one from the 12th-century.
Tasting Note: Brewed in larg
e batches on the same equipment as Stella Artois, and it shows.

Michelob Honey Lager
Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale -
Anheuser-Busch InBev
Style: Cookies
Tasting Note: Tastes like bandwagons.

Michelob Honey Lager
Shock Top Belgian White -
Brewery: Anheuser-Busch InBev
Style: Belgian Wheat Beer... brewed in the US.
Tasting Note: Tastes like they're out of touch with their target demographic.

LandShark Lager -
Brewery: "Margaritaville Brewing Co." AKA Anheuser-Busch InBev & Jimmy Buffet
Style: Poor man's Corona
Tasting Note: This should fare well with the balding, over 40, Tommy Bahama-sporting crowd destined for this event.

Beck's -
Brewery: InBev
Style: New England Patriots style?
Tasting Note: The only place this beer is on tap is at Gillette Stadium. And no matter how many
BL's you shotgunned in the parking lot, Beck's still tastes terrible. I think they ship all the stale beer from Germany directly to Foxboro.

Beck’s Premier Light
Beck's Light -
Brewey: InBev
Tasting Note: Nah dude, this one's for my wife.

Michelob AmberBock
Amber Boch -
Brewery: Michelob,
Anheuser-Busch InBev
Tasting Note: Ernie's Sister???

Bass Pale Ale
Bass -
Brewery: InBev
Tasting Note: You know, it kind of tastes like a Bass.

Budweiser American Ale
Bud American Ale -
Brewey: Anheuser-Busch InBev

Tasting Note: Brewed with real bald eagle urine.

Bud Light
Bud Lite -
Brewery: Anheuser-Busch InBev

Tasting Note: Tastes like Daddy when he forgets to pick you up from school.

Budweiser Select
BL Lime -
Anheuser-Busch InBev
Tasting Note: Tastes like four more years of the same.

Bud -
Brewery: Anheuser-Busch InBev

Tasting Note: Oh, wait... I just wanted a Bud. I don't need this giant alluminum bottle.

Monday, October 6, 2008


So, did everybody catch the BIG DEBATE?
No, not the Vice Presidential debate, the douche bag debate that aired Sunday morning on Phantom Gourmet.

It's hard to make Dan Andelman look thin and reserved, but that fathead loudmouth did the impossible. And no, he isn't the dude from Strega! In fact, I've never heard of him. Although, I was psyched to see him face off against the dude from the B52's.

So, who is this guy? "The Guy from Boston?" First off - the use of Boston might be a stretch. I'm willing to bet he's more of a "Guy from Revere" or "Guy from Medford."

But after a little research I realized I am SO out of touch. For anyone who counts the Herald or Fox as their subjective source for news, knows well the "Guy from Boston." And for anyone who references the Improper Bostonian for the coolest theme bars to drop $15 on a martini and ogle BU princesses - you've seen that gay guy, (he's in those "be scene" pictures right next to local financiers and their trophy wives at hospital fundraisers for advancement in plastic surgery).

I give him credit though, for a 115 pound middle-aged gay guy, he claimed a clear victory.

And I couldn't help but think Dandelman, who performed as the impartial moderator, was being a little biased towards "Mr. What-not-to-Wear." Do you think there could have been a little flirting going on? Those podiums were awfully close, no?

So back to the "Guy from Revere." I wondered why the Andelman's were introducing a new character this early in the season, when the Phantom Gourmet cast is already full of fat Italian-Americans.

I'd be a fool to think this wouldn't somehow favor the Andelmans, and in some way fatten their wallets and/or heads. Turns out Mr. Revere has a new radio show of his own! On the same network as Phantom Gourmet! On the same day!

Now it all makes sense.

And no, WTKK doesn't just give any loudmouth a show. Mr. Revere built up a reputation for himself before moving to the radio waves - just like the Andelmans, starting on the small screen. The very small screen.

He's a venerable YouTube celebrity. Just like the "Star Wars kid." But watch a few of his posts, and you'll see why he's been featured on Fox & Friends more than once.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Judge  Rules: Not Guilty (Pleasures)

A federal judge has dismissed a libel suit brought against the Phantom Flawed blog. The lawsuit accused the blog of conspiring to slander the three Andelman brothers behind the wildly unpopular local TV program, Phantom Gourmet.

The Andelmans filed the lawsuit against the author and creator of the blog. Knowing well the blogger hasn't the capital to pay out big, and being the asses they are, the Andelmans also filed suit against Eric E. Schmidt, CEO of Blogspot's parent company Google, Inc..

Dan, Dave and Mike Andelman contended that the defendants conspired to libel them, place them in a false light and inflict emotional distress with intent to decrease their advertising sales.

A federal cease and desist order was issued to Phantom Flawed in June, forcing the author to halt his critique of Phantom Gourmet . The blog has not been updated since the injunction. Though it wasn't mandated by the court, Phantom Gourmet hasn't aired a new episode all summer either. Instead, the show relied on the same old reruns featuring maceroni and cheese.

But this past week, a U.S. District Judge vehemently disagreed with the Andelmans' claims, reversing the order. In his ruling, he defended the Blogger's right to critique the "douche bags," noting that such analysis is useful "so that the uneducated population of New England doesn't become dumber, fatter or more inclined to read the Herald."

Unlike an episode of Phantom Gourmet, the trial was rather entertaining. But the court room wasn't without Andelman antics. Dave Andelman decided to represent himself, though he has no proper legal training. He was assisted by fellow Northeastern Alumnus, Sal Lupoli. Also sitting with the prosecution was Dan Andelman, who appeared each day in court wearing the same purple shiny shirt he wears on every episode of Phantom Gourmet. Mike Andelman insisted on wearing a "press" hat, and pretended to take notes the whole time - while sitting with members of the legitimate press.

While the judge didn't allow cameras in the courtroom, the Andelmans still wore copious amounts of makeup - and reapplied at each court recess.

Throughout the trial, when cross-examined by the defendants, Dan Andelman would scream out "CUT!" and run over to his older brother and ask him for a line. The judge allowed this to happen for several days until the a medical expert was brought in to evaluate Dan's mental capacity. The resulting report showed, while Dan's IQ is extremely low, and his facial features are very bulbus, he does not have Down Syndrome.

On the final day of hearings the defendants called a surprise witness to the stand: Ernie Boch Jr. The local car magnate (pictured below) often appears on the Phantom Gourmet program. But throughout his testimony, he made striking claims against the Andelmans, and at one point stood up and said "You'll never be as rich as me!"

Testifying at the stand was a list of who's who of local gimmick restaurants. Among those called by the prosecution was Jasper White and Steve Uliss. Also appearing was Strega owner, Nick Varano, who took a plea deal allowing him to relocate under the federal witness protection program.

Ernie Boch, Jr., above, testified against the Andelmans.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Andelman Sightings!!!

The Andelman's are a real presence at this year's Phuck Phest. By presence I mean they're really workin' it! No, literally working it.

They're really doing this thing on the cheap. And I thought they were cutting corners on their TV production budget. Yesterday, Michael was taking tickets, while Dave (who fancies himself an athlete) donned a purple "SECURITY" t-shirt. Dan was on janitor duty, hosing mesquite vomit from the sand.

While the brothers were all over the place, it was nearly impossible to nail one down and ask him what the eff they were thinking. But, one lucky undercover reader caught this grainy image.

Familiar, no?

Phuck Phest received with protests

Yesterday's events kicked off to a nearly week-long all-you-can-pay buffet.

As many as 2500 demonstrators held a boisterous rally in Boston's Government Center on Wednesday as the Andelmans dined in disguise . . . disguised as successful event planners. The number of protesters outnumbered event-goers by 250 to 1. The festival appeared more like the Andelmans invited a couple friends over for a cookout, then locked them inside.

Others likened the scene to "a vast and baron desert opening up to the depths of hell, where Satan himself appears with hair plugs and dry rubs. While a band of shrieking sirens led by a soulless capitalist incessantly blared blues riffs..."

Protesters blew whistles, banged drums and screamed their opposition to the so-called ''BBQ Beach Fest," nearly drowning out the sounds of Ernie & the Automatics.

Demonstrators chanted ''Dandelman - YOU ARE FAT! '' about 3 feet from where the two brothers were eating ribs. The brothers ran to tell their dad.

Security was tight and demonstrators from Dorchester's Caribbean neighborhoods pressed up against a long police barricade set up to block them from getting near the "Rasta Racist" Joe Alexander.

Some tried to breach the police cordon and officers used batons to keep protesters at bay. A small grease fire broke out at the Beef Baron's grill station. The flames, upwards of 16 inches, were eventually put out by the Boston Fire Department. The BFD reported 10 firefighters were injured in the process. They are expected to take early retirement with 120% pension.

Monday, June 16, 2008

2,000 Police Officers will Guard The Andelmans as Their Festival of Gluttony and Greed Transforms Government Center

Two thousand Boston Police officers will guard Dan and Dave Andelman, as TV38 receives more death threats against the brothers, in advance of their annual mass-brainwashing of Boston's working class.

The Andelman Reich are scheduled to arrive at Gov. Center Wednesday for a 120-hour visit, causing disruption to thousands of tourists and equally clueless commuters, as dozens of MBTA trains will be delayed and streets closed.

Non-union workers will arrive in Boston tomorrow to begin banging nails, as they construct the stage on which the pompous pageant will take place.

Thousands of members from the group Phantom Has Lost All Believability (PHLAB) will attempt to block the Andelman motorcade. The egomaniac brothers are said to be arriving in a Subaru Tribeca Limousine, rented from Boch Automotive.

BPD Deputy Asst Commissioner Shamus O'McGillicuddy summed up this week's flamboyant display of self importance, saying: "Those a**holes come into town, f*ck sh*t up then they go back to playing TV. But, they throw me a few hundred Dunk's Gift cards to keep me happy."

One insider said: "The cost to taxpayers will be hefty." But I'm guessing the Herald won't do any "sleeping on the job" style exposés.