Thursday, October 30, 2008

Is Phantom Drunk?

"Biggest and best beer event in Boston history!"

Really? Phantom has the balls to call their first venture into alcohol expos "the best" this city has ever seen? Really? Ultimate Beer Fest? Belgian Beer Fest? I mean, I know those are just "fests" not Phests... but can the Phantom really claim victory before even entering the ring.

Speaking of rings - the Beer Phest will have several of them. Of course, there's the horse track - where you're bound to see Eddie perched at his usual spot up in the grandstand, all strung out on hot dogs, all betting the Andelman fortune on a tip he got from Howie Carr.

Then there's the Sumo wrestling ring, the bull riding, and the Rock'em Sock'em robot boxing (which legitimizes Dave's claims to be an "amateur boxer"). My favorite event, though, is the Twister. Yes, that Twister. From Milton Bradley. This Beer Phest has got all the appeal of a 13-year-old girl's birthday party.

They should totally make it a sleep over!!! I heard there's gonna be a pony, but don't tell Kelly Malone... she's not cool.

So - to the real focus of this evevnt, the beer. We all know what to expect for food. Because what goes better with a pint of ale than a whoopie pie or a cannoli?

I have to admit I was curious to see what kind of beer they were gonna be slingin' at this thing. The constant commercials show Dan sippin' on Blueberry Beer. Which I guess is better than the Bud Lite Lime they be servin' at their Beach BBQ. Oh wait, they're also serving Bud Lite Lime at the Beer Phest. In fact, the only non-Anheiser-Busch beers they're serving are brewed by InBev (Bud's parent company).

Ladies and Gentelman, welcome to the Phantom InBev Phest. Why would the Andelmans seek out any of the many local craft breweries to serve beer, when they could just give exclusive rights to the largest beverage conglomerate on Earth?!!

So, here's the full list of exotic "domestic" and "foreign" bews:
Stella Artois
Stella Artois -
Brewery: InBev
Very upscale and high end
Tasting Note: Goes great with an Armani shirt or Verscace dress.

Hoegaarden -
Brewery: InBev
Style: Vitamin C
Tasting Note: Tastes like what an alcoholic drinks with his toast in the morning.

Leffe Blonde
Leffe -
Style: Belgian Abbey Ale... not brewed at an Abbey, but named after one from the 12th-century.
Tasting Note: Brewed in larg
e batches on the same equipment as Stella Artois, and it shows.

Michelob Honey Lager
Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale -
Anheuser-Busch InBev
Style: Cookies
Tasting Note: Tastes like bandwagons.

Michelob Honey Lager
Shock Top Belgian White -
Brewery: Anheuser-Busch InBev
Style: Belgian Wheat Beer... brewed in the US.
Tasting Note: Tastes like they're out of touch with their target demographic.

LandShark Lager -
Brewery: "Margaritaville Brewing Co." AKA Anheuser-Busch InBev & Jimmy Buffet
Style: Poor man's Corona
Tasting Note: This should fare well with the balding, over 40, Tommy Bahama-sporting crowd destined for this event.

Beck's -
Brewery: InBev
Style: New England Patriots style?
Tasting Note: The only place this beer is on tap is at Gillette Stadium. And no matter how many
BL's you shotgunned in the parking lot, Beck's still tastes terrible. I think they ship all the stale beer from Germany directly to Foxboro.

Beck’s Premier Light
Beck's Light -
Brewey: InBev
Tasting Note: Nah dude, this one's for my wife.

Michelob AmberBock
Amber Boch -
Brewery: Michelob,
Anheuser-Busch InBev
Tasting Note: Ernie's Sister???

Bass Pale Ale
Bass -
Brewery: InBev
Tasting Note: You know, it kind of tastes like a Bass.

Budweiser American Ale
Bud American Ale -
Brewey: Anheuser-Busch InBev

Tasting Note: Brewed with real bald eagle urine.

Bud Light
Bud Lite -
Brewery: Anheuser-Busch InBev

Tasting Note: Tastes like Daddy when he forgets to pick you up from school.

Budweiser Select
BL Lime -
Anheuser-Busch InBev
Tasting Note: Tastes like four more years of the same.

Bud -
Brewery: Anheuser-Busch InBev

Tasting Note: Oh, wait... I just wanted a Bud. I don't need this giant alluminum bottle.


Anonymous Jake Duhaime said...

Can't spell sphincterphest without "ph."

October 31, 2008 at 9:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Tastes like bandwagon" haha.

That party sounds about as cool as the one in Jeds backyard in 7th grade. The only thing missing will be "Pat's Brown Drink" which I guarantee would be better than the crap beer they're gonna serve.

October 31, 2008 at 11:02 AM  
Anonymous Guntfather of Sports Radio said...

Ahh, ummm, aaahhhhah, gargle, ummm

My boys are hahd working. They're tough talking street kids. One of 'em is a confirmed bachelor but whatever.

November 6, 2008 at 3:47 PM  
Anonymous Heavy D said...

I went to this fest. I wish I had seen this bolg BEFORE I went. It sucked ass as only the Andelmans can make ass sucking an art and science. People, I beseech you, never go to an event sponsored by these cheating a**holes!

November 9, 2008 at 12:03 PM  
Anonymous SwishyA. said...

What's wrong with sucking ass?

November 10, 2008 at 8:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would rather be a 100 dollar bill stuck on a Diane Wilkerson underwire than go to another "beer" phest. Still trying to figure out which Andelman pisses in which beer, except for Swishy=Light.

November 10, 2008 at 2:26 PM  

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