Is Phantom Drunk?

"Biggest and best beer event in Boston history!"

Really? Phantom has the balls to call their first venture into alcohol expos "the best" this city has ever seen? Really? Ultimate Beer Fest? Belgian Beer Fest? I mean, I know those are just "fests" not Phests... but can the Phantom really claim victory before even entering the ring.

Speaking of rings - the Beer Phest will have several of them. Of course, there's the horse track - where you're bound to see Eddie perched at his usual spot up in the grandstand, all strung out on hot dogs, all betting the Andelman fortune on a tip he got from Howie Carr.

Then there's the Sumo wrestling ring, the bull riding, and the Rock'em Sock'em robot boxing (which legitimizes Dave's claims to be an "amateur boxer"). My favorite event, though, is the Twister. Yes, that Twister. From Milton Bradley. This Beer Phest has got all the appeal of a 13-year-old girl's birthday party.

They should totally make it a sleep over!!! I heard there's gonna be a pony, but don't tell Kelly Malone... she's not cool.

So - to the real focus of this evevnt, the beer. We all know what to expect for food. Because what goes better with a pint of ale than a whoopie pie or a cannoli?

I have to admit I was curious to see what kind of beer they were gonna be slingin' at this thing. The constant commercials show Dan sippin' on Blueberry Beer. Which I guess is better than the Bud Lite Lime they be servin' at their Beach BBQ. Oh wait, they're also serving Bud Lite Lime at the Beer Phest. In fact, the only non-Anheiser-Busch beers they're serving are brewed by InBev (Bud's parent company).

Ladies and Gentelman, welcome to the Phantom InBev Phest. Why would the Andelmans seek out any of the many local craft breweries to serve beer, when they could just give exclusive rights to the largest beverage conglomerate on Earth?!!

So, here's the full list of exotic "domestic" and "foreign" bews:

Stella Artois -
Brewery: InBev
Style: Very upscale and high end
Tasting Note: Goes great with an Armani shirt or Verscace dress.


Hoegaarden -
Brewery: InBev
Style: Vitamin C
Tasting Note: Tastes like what an alcoholic drinks with his toast in the morning.


Leffe -
Brewery: InBev
Style: Belgian Abbey Ale... not brewed at an Abbey, but named after one from the 12th-century.
Tasting Note: Brewed in large batches on the same equipment as Stella Artois, and it shows.


Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale -
Brewery: Anheuser-Busch InBev
Style: Cookies
Tasting Note: Tastes like bandwagons.


Shock Top Belgian White -
Brewery: Anheuser-Busch InBev
Style: Belgian Wheat Beer... brewed in the US.
Tasting Note: Tastes like they're out of touch with their target demographic.


LandShark Lager -
Brewery: "Margaritaville Brewing Co." AKA Anheuser-Busch InBev & Jimmy Buffet
Style: Poor man's Corona
Tasting Note: This should fare well with the balding, over 40, Tommy Bahama-sporting crowd destined for this event.


Beck's -
Brewery: InBev
Style: New England Patriots style?
Tasting Note: The only place this beer is on tap is at Gillette Stadium. And no matter how many
BL's you shotgunned in the parking lot, Beck's still tastes terrible. I think they ship all the stale beer from Germany directly to Foxboro.


Beck's Light -
Brewey: InBev
Style: GROW A PAIR!
Tasting Note: Nah dude, this one's for my wife.


Amber Boch -
Brewery: Michelob, Anheuser-Busch InBev
Tasting Note: Ernie's Sister???


Bass -
Brewery: InBev
Tasting Note: You know, it kind of tastes like a Bass.


Bud American Ale -
Brewey: Anheuser-Busch InBev
Tasting Note: Brewed with real bald eagle urine.


Bud Lite -
Brewery: Anheuser-Busch InBev
Tasting Note: Tastes like Daddy when he forgets to pick you up from school.


BL Lime -
Brewery: Anheuser-Busch InBev
Tasting Note: Tastes like four more years of the same.


Bud -
Brewery: Anheuser-Busch InBev
Tasting Note: Oh, wait... I just wanted a Bud. I don't need this giant alluminum bottle.